Monday, October 21, 2013

Dreams: On Hold

On the day that I failed nursing school, I kissed my husband & son goodbye in the wee hours of the morning, climbed into my car, & drove into the city to go to the hospital. As I was in the 2nd lane of the left turn lanes, following several other cars, preparing to turn left along came another car barreling straight towards me at what felt like ten billion miles per hour. "It's going to stop," I thought, not really expecting otherwise. That light for them was solidly in the red.

But it didn't stop. And by the time I'd processed this & swerved my car straight, it was like I could literally feel the whoosh of a near head on collision with said car. And then I went on to clinicals, had the absolute worst day in the history of mankind, and it was all over. But here's the thing..some might call me lucky(being alive is a hecka lot better then failing out of nursing school). I don't believe in luck, I know I've got a guardian angel on call 24 hours a day and I won't be leaving this planet until God deems fit. I won't say that failing has been easy to accept either, but I do know I'd make a good nurse(and maybe that will be as an LPN until I get whatever stuff together that I need to get together. The instructor made me feel a tad better by telling me that their program was the hardest one in the state,& students who have failed theirs have gone to others and passed.) It just won't be happening any time soon.

So now I'm 3/4 of an RN..starting from the beginning. The grief is still quite raw, the negative thoughts inhabit my nightmares each and every night. It is literally like a part of me has died. (And it's probably going to take awhile not to feel that way)

One day at a time.


Scully said...

I can't imagine how you feel but I can thank you for sharing.
Y'know there's always that saying "bad things happen to good people..." believe what you want but you'll get there one day and you're going to be great!

Colleen said...

I totally believe that you will get there. You will be a (an??) RN. And you'll be a damn good one.

asskeeper said...

Heidi, you will become an RN just through another program don't give up.

Karen said...

I'm so so sorry - but I know you will get through this and become a fantastic nurse. {{{HUGS}}}